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(Sunday, February 10, 2008-)
+12:45 AM]*
# Don't Be Attitude?
It's after the new year. So weird, new year in February.
Anyway, wanna thank God that im safely back, and even had a nice trip, watched 3 and a half movies on the way back!
So much i wanted to blog about, but basically the one i just wanted to let out is one more don't be attitude.
First was the "Blessed is he who aims at nothing, for he will not be disappointed"
Now something i've learnt over the week.. "Blessed is he who has no close family, for he will not get discouraged".
Yes yes, I know all of you can tell me just how important family is, and i don't doubt or deny that. Neither do i doubt they love you the most.
But it's just this. It's the people closest to you that hurt you the most. Sadly, one of the reasons i've been quite... happy this year is that i've had no one to disappoint me. No one to feel frustrated at. I was back to my "seeing the best in everyone" mode.
If a friend is late for 10 minutes, you feel it's ok, and don't even think about it the whole time u spend together. But if family is late for 10 minutes.. u think... he's always like that.. never change.. so old already still can't be punctual.
The disappointment mounts. Similarly, it's much easier to get discouraged when family doesn't do something for you. When friends don't it's perfectly fine, cuz u dun expect them to anyway. But when family forgets... u think, why this person can't show concern for me...
Ok. This sounds really depressing. Im gonna white it all...
But yeah, basically i've been quite happy cuz nobody's been close enough to me to disappoint me. Cuz really, i have no reason to be angry at them. Not to mention all this talk about loving our friends, makes it so much easier to overlook their mistakes. But i realise, if people get close enough to me, the easier it is for them to hurt me.
And to those of you reading this blog, im sorry to say none of you have reached that point where u can hurt me on the inside just by not doing something. Or by being late, slow, unresponsive or whatever. So far, only family's been that close from mid 2007 till now.
But that is not to your discredit. I care lots for you guys, just that, it's still not to the point where... i dunno... yeah, it's just not that close.
And once again, sadly it's my fault. It's not that you guys don't make the effort, but after lots of talking and thinking, i realise that i actually don't have any close friends. The kind that know what goes on with me, inside and out.
I don't have the time. I don't have the right people. It's not the right time. Lots of excuses. It's complicated.
Yeah, so for me, i feel "blessed" that i don't have close family, for that way, my life is currently artificially unscratched.
Hmm. i still seem to be going on. Well, just wanna say i've never thought i'd miss you guys so much. I don't think i say it much. Ironic cuz i talk so much.
Other than that, i think somehow this closer walk with God has sort of dimmed the friendships of this earth. I remember being depressed over who my real friends are. And thought i got that over with when i said i would work on friendships. But realised i never did. God just took it's place. Cuz working on friendships, most of the friends i have are girls, so "working on them" would also be giving wrong signals, so im back to square one, except God's with me in that square.
That makes a whole lot of difference, but it didn't solve the problem. Im still invulnerable. Haha, how ironic. I actually enjoyed the invulnerability but upon scrutiny, realised it's shortcomings.
So yes, once again, "blessed" are those without people close enough to their hearts, for it will never be broken
the story ends like this;
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