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(Monday, July 23, 2007-)
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# KenNews #01
Hello and good evening and welcome to the pilot episode of KenNethws, bringing you news from a grand total of ONE source, Kenneth. This brand new innovative show will bring you news like never before, news received, interpreted, paraphrased to any extent i want and delivered right to the very pixels of your screen. So special isn't it? I bet you can't resist to change the channel, so don't bother. Let's go on right ahead.
In headlines today Kenneth finds out his posting results. Also, who are the two people who's brithdays fall on 23rd July along with the many others in the ultimate archives of Kenneth's 5300 Calendar.
In local news, Cell Group Meeting shifts to a new location in a shocking turn of events. Also, Alumni Galore, find out who's been back in TJC.
Since this is a new news show, we have almost no business news to tell you, so stay tuned to find out if there even is such a section.
Ending off with sports, we find out what happened during the most memorable investiture ever, the15th House Committee Investiture.
Finally (haha, u thought it was over didn't you), we will have the weather forecast. What kind of weather, stay tuned to find out.
*cue music. lights. camera. news*
Good morning/afternoon/evening [delete where appropriate] ladies and gentlemen and welcome to KenNews. Starting with the most significant event this week, our sources from gmail.com have informed us of the location of Kenneth's posting. And if you think it's Infantry or Guard, you don't know Kenneth at all. If you thought Commando, you're at the wrong blog (because a Google® search of "Kenneth" will give you, and I quote "Results 1 - 10 of about 85,400,000 for Kenneth. (0.20 seconds) ").
So what posting is this? To Kenneth's mixed reaction. It is a type C room. Block 19. Room H. Prince George's Park Residence, henceforth known as PGPR (somewhat resembling PowerPuffGiRls). Yes, it has been confirmed by, and once again i quote
"Yeow Huiqun Eliane "
who delivered the news through gmail.com's servers to our inbox from the Office of Student Affairs.
In line with that, Kenneth has been issued a bill for $1080 till December 9th which he has to cough up on August 6th upon checking in, along with various documents which much be painstakingly gathered from the far reaches of the universe.
In a totally unrelated yet linked news, we were officially the first news network to wish Samuel Yapp Jun Sem a happy 20th birthday as this Guitar/DoTA/Lameness legend from M4-06 was caught unaware in his hideout in the shady halls of Raffles. Yes, Sam has been spotted walking the halls of this dreaded hall, where he has been predicted to have set up a base there. Among his known accomplices is a man, whose name is still unknown, but through a complex tracking suspect management system (SMS) has been identified as an ASEAN scholar from the renegade state of Penang.
Although the credibility of this news network being the first to greet him has been challenged, we stand by the fact that the area in which Raffles Hall is located is so ulu such that it exists in a different timezone from our headquarters in Sennett Road such that the time the sms was sent was actually correct as of press time, but due to NUS being so far away, it was only 2355 hours there. Thus, we are justified in our claim of being the first to greet him happy birthday.
As mentioned earlier, another person has been identified as having the same birthday and she is none other than Rachel Wong Rui Qing. Our sources tell us that she will soon be arriving in NUS in the FASS.
Closing this chapter of birthdays, is the honour list of people whose birthdays fall in the awesome month of july. And here they are, in order of birthdate (not birthyear)
Today's headlines were brought to you by Nokia 5300, a fully functional slide phone. That's about it.
In local news. With the arrival of dad, Aunty Fang has announced that Cell Group Meeting will be shifted to Sennett this Wednesday. With the Cell Group alerted, this news station will be sponsoring doughnuts for the coming meeting as people from almost all walks and crawls of life will congregrate for not one, but two amazing sessions on Habitudes. Also, Cell Leader Gabriel has been seen trying to confirm attendance for the Sy Rogers Conference at HoGC from 27-29.
As Cell Group Meeting comes back to Sennett, so have many ex-students of TJC returned to their alma mater. Our reporter on the scene has been able to interview several high profile students, with the first being Juliana Au. A highly intelligent, physics loving (OH YEAH!!) ex-19/05 relief teacher has been captured and deported while trying to turn the massage chair in the teachers' lounge into a secret killing machine for the ****. Juliana had little remorse as she left the premises as she felt more attached to A*STAR and will vow to one day totally change the battlefield as she aspires to be a researcher who deals with NS stuff.
****disclaimer: Highly paraphrased and reinterpreted chain of events. SORYY JULIANA!! It was nice having you around! All the best k in Imperial!! Really happy to have met you!!****
Among other celebrities, Valerie Ann Nunis was also captured outside the StaffRoom. This student is a force to be reckoned with as she alone is 10% of the May Ball Committee for University of CAMBRIDGE!!! which will play host to 2400 students in this event. Our reporter manage to receive numerous tips on, and we quote Ms Nunis, "How To Survive Alcoholism". Among the useful tips are
1. Never trust Asians to brew your drink while abroad.
2. When a person falls to the ground from being drunk, remember what how the drink he/she last drank looked like, and tell yourself "Im not drinking that"
3.Get guys to pay your cover charge if you're a girl. If you're a guy, don't drink (italics mine)
4. When your friend gets drunk. Take photos first, then bring them home safely and make them coffee and toast.
Finally, making a cameo appearance towards the end of the day was Xiu Min, also from the now famous 19/05, who was seen searching for the only-when-you-want-to-find-him-or-he's-just-everywhere elusive Mr Tong. Now on her summer break from Curtin in Australia, this ex-19/05 student attempted to track down Mr Tong but to no avail, and left the reporter with news that she'll be back...
Now, since we only have one business on earth, and that's Kingdom's business, the business section this week is brought to you our reporter, Kenneth who attended one of the Kingdom's Seminar last Saturday, and took minutes from the speaker of the day, Roland Tan.
Roland Tan shared on how to get out of depression. One simple solution, GTTSAJC. GTTSAJC will be revealed at the end of this section, but first, the link from depression. Why are we depressed sometime? It's because what's inside us isn't feeling too happy, or has been grieved. And what's inside us? The Holy Spirit. And when Jesus said the Holy Spirit would come, he would give us the power to be His witnesses. So that's what the Holy Spirit wants us to do, witness. And when we don't the Holy Spirit is sad, and when He's sad on the inside, we're sad on the outside, and inside. So, the cure for that would be to GTTSAJC - Go Talk To Someone About Jesus Christ. Awesome no?
Glad you are still with us. If you have just scrolled down to this section, please do the right thing by scrolling back up, reading and scrolling back down. Support our generous scrolling sponsored ads as well. Now in the world of sports, the 14th House Committee has stepped down from office with a peaceful ceremony, spiced up with, erm, memorable moments.
The event started promptly at 3.30, in line with the invitation that said it would start at 3pm, in the sacred, but now sacrileged, TJC Auditorium. Among the highlights of the day was the one word from the HC Pledge which our reporter did not know how to spell, and neither did the entire auditorium understand. Further clarifications can be obtained from Ong Hui Min, who now presides over the four houses. Also, Alpha House had a mix up with their movements, The house flags of Delta and Gamma forgot to come out, and the college anthem was sung, without music. Not to mention an incident when the microphone did not work, and when it did work, the emcee called out AV. After the laughter subsided, we then realised "AV" was for the AV Club to come and receive their token of appreciation, and not to fix the mic. Best of all, the photography club representative went on stage instead.
A horrified Ms ThangUm (which was graciously misspelled) was later seen lamenting over the tragedy in the staffroom. Also, a sad bouquet of flowers for the principal was left lying on a chair somewhere and didn't end up in the principals hands. Also, the school flag is now stashed away in the staff room as the HC members left it in 106 after clearing up. On a not too sweet note, a mic was severely injured but has since been stablized after a stampede of one of the HC's dancing dropped the mic to the floor.
A truly memorable event, which will sadly go unnoticed by any other JC as none were invited. Perhaps they were invited, but never came.
Finally, we come to the weather forecast. For this week, uncertain weather ahead as Kenneth goes for his only second ever medical checkup at UHWC in NUS along with mian and possibly Sam. Peaceful night forecasted tomorrow as TJChoir performs in Limelight in the Esplanade Concert Hall. Tickets, STILL VERY AVAILABLE, contact Carian, Valarie or ShiYun for much appreciated details. Sunny weather expected as JoJo and Eugene return to TJ for the last time n the foreseeable future as our news team will be down at ECP as we capture the event of the final meeting of the RTs.
So that's it for the pilot episode of KenNews, thank you for watching, now go on and get back to ur MSN window which is blinking. If you liked this and would like to hear more from us, do drop us a tag at the tag board on the leftRIGHT. Alternatively, leave us a comment by clicking on some random button below or lastly, if you really have too much free sms, drop us a line a 81150410 via our complex tracking Suspect Management System (SMS)
Thank you and see you again.
****disclaimer:names used are purely non-fictional and bear 100% resemblance to those in real life. Any error in reporting is to be reported to the area of your brain that is labelled "HUMOUR" and should be channelled to either laughter or a smile****
the story ends like this;
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