Im writing this just to put my thoughts into order.

I left feeling oddly sad, and even doubtful. The things he said, wow. The eyes that I see with are obviously not faith. I look at where I am, and I’m disappointed. Disheartened. Hope deferred makes the heart faint.  But I decided to just do something rather unrelated. Yes, the emptiness struck yet again. But I’m going to overcome it, I’m going to be in control. And I’m going to recount the blessings of God upon my life.

I got the chance to come to Singapore. When my results weren’t the best, when I’ve never left home before. The furthest I’d ever been then was Kedah? And I had 3 days to decide the next two years of my life. I took the chance. God took me in. I got to chance to visit City Harvest Church, when all I heard of it then was rumours of a church in the thousands, and LCD TVs lining the reception desk. Now, I get to watch their services every week, and how blessed I am, that their Deputy Senior Pastor would make time for my church, and meet us once a month. Even his affiliate churches don’t see Ps Tan that much. Yes I’m like a little boy on the inside who gets to meet his hero. Nowhere in my wildest dream would I have thought I will get to shake his hand. Get to hear him preach, close enough to hear his/His voice (not through the AV system). To learn from the experiences of a pastor who was there from the beginning. I get to hear their sermons, listen to their music, let God shape my life through their teachings. The man I am today, the principles I stand by (or at least know), my life drastically changed by their ministry. And that God would prove that He cares for the desires of my heart, He brings the pastor of a 26000 strong church, numbers I can’t even imagine into a room with less than 200 people, with equipment and set up he would have saw 10 years ago in his church, and preach from his heart. God would do that for me.

In Emmanuel, I’m not exactly the best, but I’m now in the committee. And it’s not worth it to be here and live as if this is all it’s going to be. 60 people. The size of my church back in Malaysia. I’m practically the equivalent of an elder if I were back in Malaysia. I get the chance to “preach” to 30 people during prayer. And how I love every opportunity. To hear rhema from God. To see and feel the Word become alive. And to “preach” to 30 people. How I look forward to every opportunity to impact lives, to renew, renovate minds, to make space for bigger things. To be in a youth group that became a Young Adults group. Now the pioneers of the Young Adult movement in Ignite. And personally the cell leader of one. Having seen 3 people saved into His kingdom while I was here. From that 3, one is seeing his family come to know God, the other one is growing back in her cell, bringing her sister and mom to know God. And the latest one, the breakthrough to see my fellow engineers saved. All in this ministry. Back then, I’ve never seen one of my friends get saved. For 20 years, growth was an illusion, or at best an illustration of how I knew church would be like. And now my vision to see my cell grow to 4 by end 2009. Ps Tan could do 15 in 4 months. I’ll do my 4 in 12 months.

I’ve also been blessed to have had probably the best JC experience ever. Relationships with teachers. How many people can walk into their former JC, 3 years after they’ve graduated and stand beside the Vice-Principal on results day. How many can go up to the Principal and congratulate her on the achievements of the school. How many get the chance to sit down with the graduating batch and offer advice (and appear on tv while doing it briefly) and actually be consulted on where to go next. How many got the chance to give the Valedictory speech on College Day, and give thanks to Jesus for seeing me through. How many get their names on the Valedictorian board while NOT being nominated by their own Civics tutor, nor having the best results, NOR the best CCA achievements. The number of friends, or rather acquaintances I’ve made, so many I can’t even remember all their names. The experiences that taught me to be a leader, to break out of my shyness. Only God could do that. And just to prove it’s Him, He did it in the hardest place. A foreign country, in a college I knew nothing about and thought it was a spelling mistake. (Temasik?) And He brought me to the highest office a student could hold. And because of a time of indecisiveness, missed the chance for greatness. But even then, the lessons I’ve learnt from being a man under authority. To “buffet” my “rise to power”, God knew exactly how tall this iceberg could stand.

The opportunity to serve. Perhaps this is what I want to continue to be thankful to God for. The opportunity to spend myself on behalf of others. To give timely advice when it’s needed. To be there when no one else is. To pick up paper on the carpet, clear tissues left behind. Arrange the chairs. The house of my Father. Probably the place I love most on earth. Even more than home, how I love Your house, my Father. I would really rather clean toilets in church than to be honoured anywhere else. Just being in Your house, and keeping it clean, in top condition, keeping it in order. My greatest honour will always be to serve my Lord and King. And to serve Him would mean the least of these. I could so spend the rest of my time just helping people out. Lending my laptop to anyone who needs it. Preparing slides for the announcements, designing posters for services, giving $xxxx to building His house. How could I even give that much if it’s not for how much You’ve blessed me. Not that I’m overflowing, it definitely cost me something, and it may continue to cost me something these coming months, but I love Your house, O God. I will arise and build Your house.

And just randomly among other things, Ps Sy Rogers, Heart of God Church, Fresh Fire, Festival of Praise, Lim Wei Ming, New Generation, Ps Glyn Barrett, School of Theology (in faith), Marine Cove, Eternal Life, Asia Conference, Rev Martin Steel, CHCKL and Ps Kevin Loo. The opportunity to meet all of them, to have my life touched, and at some occasions even transformed.

So many things to thank God for. And what I want to thank God for tonight, is that inspiration once again. That God has no favourite children. If I do my part, God will do His part. If I do my part to pray, to pursue, hunger, desire and be desperate for Him, I will see my life mature into Christ likeness, from there, my heart beat for the lost, see my cell grow, see breakthrough in YA, to have Jesus with me, wherever I go. If I will seek God like never before, I will find Him like never before. God’s as big as I allow Him to be. I can feel it. I pray He can feel my heart too. Lot’s of things still very messed up in there, even after 1301 words of pouring my heart and thoughts out, the only breakthrough I have is my heart breaking through the floor. Still sad, still longing. But I’m still going to focus on God. When I focus on Him, the things of earth grow dim. The things that grow dim, are wonderfully the things that hold me back, and they don’t seem that big when I’m close to God. Okay, after 1371 words, it’s time to go. Still on the way back to PGP, I’ll be praying soon! I guess a prayer meeting is in order tomorrow morning! Time to take charge of my life and ministry (=