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(Thursday, April 24, 2008-)
+1:11 AM]*
# Why Am I
Nope, no nice cool song this time. Just wondering, why can't i keep my mouth shut? Some people eat when they're stressed, some study more, some have nervous breakdowns. Me? Why.... Well, it's not like im seriously depressed or anything. But why do i have to do it. Why do I do it to myself?
Memories in life... Yeah, some things you study so hard and yet you forget. Others, u barely try to remember, and it's there. Every single time... Well, in a good way it's there... cuz then i know, or at least should know, not to do it.
Yup, the memories are there to tell me, no, it's not worth it, don't do it. And i do it. Then there are also those memories that tell me, it's not worth it, and, yes, i still do it. And then the best ones are those that tell me, do it.. and i don't..
Why am i built this way? Yes, I know God, that this person here is your masterpiece. But currently, the little part labeled emotion, isn't quite in masterpiece-y condition. So once again, i look back and wonder, why am I? Why am I so fragile? Obviously cuz i choose to be. Why can't I live what I say? Obviously cuz I don't choose to change. Why do I keep on talking? Oh, that i've yet to find an answer.
"And the scars remind us, that the past is real"
Yup, why do I keep doing this to myself. I looked at him and in my heart, man this guy is messed up, and he's so messed up he can't even see he's messed up. Then after my reflection had the time to travel to infinity, slightly further, and then hit me back in the face, i realize, hey, who's that really messed up guy? Oh wait, that's just me.
So let's count. 1,2,3,4,5... wow... and to think im not messed up. Yes, God, u want me messed up rather than not at all, and I thank You for that. I mean the love is really great, I know even right now when I'm typing this, every stroke breaks ur heart even more than what i feel mine is. Yet, why am I such a selfish person? Thinking only my emotions matter.
CE class was right. People say they dun sin because it's wrong, because it's not right, because it's bad, because we'll pay for it. And guess what... I'm just like that, and maybe I need that David moment where God... i don't dare to say it but...
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours"
Yup... rather than not sinning cuz it breaks the heart of God who loves me... I tell myself, dun sin, cuz im a good person... like not sinning makes me any better than the wretched sinner I already am...
"My sin is before me day and night"
Don't sin, u're better than that. Better than? Hello, ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. So what now? A pursuit of excellence? Of course, I still believe the value in it. Imago Dei. And currently the mouth part isn't very Imago Dei-ish. And neither is the heart. Well, it's already wicked and full of poison...
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Wow im doing it again.. isn't this nice? Yup, currently i not only need a but-sectomy, i need a heart transplant. Oh, with it, if the memories go too, that would be nice. Then again, if the memories go, I wouldn't be able to warn myself and slap myself in the face shouting "don't do it AGAIN"... but then again, even with the memories, the slapping and shouting isn't really helping.
Yup, so let me just recount again, "What I've Done"... 3 and 5, let's see... yup... slapping didn't quite work there... 1 and 4... didn't quite see that one coming... hmmm.. 2?? haha, hope it's not cyclic cuz that would be really bad if it paired with 6. So yeah, so I dun spend 3 hours on the phone. I multiply that through 172.24.213.227 times more.
Oh well... you some people say u just know it when it happens. So far.. i just know it when it isn't happening. And why am i so excited about it? I dunno... guess that's why the past 500 words were written.. Anyway, most of you would be wondering.. what on earth is this rubbish? Well, i guess this is a little insight into my life which isn't all so pretty which i would dare to type on a public blog. For those who think that you wanna talk to me, that's nice, very thoughtful of you, and I'm sincerely grateful, really, for having such a great friend like you (=
but... the reason why nobody really hears about this is .. well.. read above! Why am I? Cuz if you do, no.6 could be around the corner.. unless u're in two variables. Then, i'd also wonder why am I. Haha, doesn't seem like there's a simple solution. Which is also probably why this is about 1000 words by now..
Anyway.. i know it's probably the stress, or lack of it.. and i'll look back in 15 days and wanna delete this post or pretend it never happened. But hey... this is just another one of those memories. U dun mug for it, but it's still there. U mug for E= 1/4piepsilonnaught*mass*e^4/plancksquaredquantumsquared, and u miss the. = 0
Yup, it's one of those times that I look back at myself, and instead of seeing the wonderful things God has done for me, I stupidly choose to see the question marks that are unanswered. God, I know there's a reason, but right now... actually, no, i honestly don't think i'd settle for me to be more like someone else. Though i know im gonna end up needing to slap myself, i still want to be me!
Sometimes, reality comes in the form of a slap on the face... by your own hand =/
the story ends like this;
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